Where Are You Still Acting Out Old Pain?

Did you grow up learning to stay quiet, perform, or keep your needs small?

Many men assume that if they made it through childhood without major trauma, they came out unscathed. But reality often shows otherwise. Maybe you grew up in a home where feelings were not discussed, or where achievements mattered more than connection. You might have learned to stay quiet, perform, or keep your needs small. Those lessons do not disappear when you reach adulthood. They show up in the background of your choices, quietly shaping how you relate to others and to yourself.

From a cognitive behavioral perspective, neglect often leaves behind automatic thoughts that sound like, “My needs are not important,” or “If I am not useful, I will be left behind.” These thoughts influence emotions like anxiety, guilt, or shame, which then drive behaviors that reinforce the same belief. The work of therapy is to interrupt this loop and to become aware of how early pain continues to influence current life and to practice new ways of thinking and acting that promote self-trust.

In this article, I reference Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) repeatedly. While it is just one modality amongst many by which a challenge like this can be addressed, CBT is a favorite of mine. It offers a practical, evidence-based framework for understanding how early experiences influence present behavior. CBT looks closely at the connection between our thoughts, emotions, and actions. When early emotional avoidance or neglect teaches us to minimize our needs or chase approval, those lessons become automatic thoughts that quietly drive our decisions. By identifying and challenging these thought patterns, men can begin to change the behaviors that keep them stuck…not through abstract insight, but through deliberate, measurable shifts in how they think and act each day.

From a CBT perspective, neglect often leaves behind internal messages like “My needs are not important” or “If I am not useful, I’ll be forgotten.” These thoughts drive emotions such as guilt, shame, or anxiety, which then lead to behaviors that reinforce the same belief. The work of therapy is to interrupt this cycle and to notice how early experiences influence current life and to practice new ways of thinking and acting that create self-respect and stability.

Here are some questions to help you reflect on where that old pain might still be running the show...

Are You Still Trying to Earn Approval?

Do you often say yes when you want to say no?
Do you feel uneasy when you are not being productive or helpful?
Do you measure your worth by how much you contribute?

These are signs of a “conditional worth” belief. You may unconsciously believe that value must be earned, not given. CBT invites you to question this pattern by identifying the thought beneath it. For example:

• Automatic thought: “If I disappoint someone, they will reject me.”

• Alternative thought: “People who value me can tolerate my limits. If someone cannot, that says more about them than about my worth.”

Try experimenting with small behavioral changes, such as saying no once this week to something that does not align with your priorities. Notice the discomfort that follows and practice sitting with it rather than avoiding it. That discomfort may be the echo of early experiences and not a sign that you are doing something wrong.

Are You Neglecting Your Own Body?

Ignoring your physical needs is one of the most common ways emotional avoidance or neglect replays itself in adulthood. Working through meals, skipping rest, numbing with alcohol, or avoiding exercise may seem unrelated to emotional pain, but each communicates the same message: My needs do not matter.

CBT views these behaviors as avoidance strategies. They reduce short-term discomfort but reinforce long-term disconnection. The first step is awareness. Begin tracking the situations where you most often ignore your body. What thoughts show up right before you do? Perhaps you think, “I’ll rest later,” or “I don’t deserve to take a break.”

Challenge these thoughts by experimenting with new behaviors. Eat when you are hungry, even if work is unfinished. Go for a short walk when your mind starts to race. Each small act of care begins to rewrite the story that you are not worth tending to.

Do You Feel Needed But Not Known?

Where do you feel like you carry a large share of responsibility in your intimate relationship? Be it emotionally, financially, or practically…You might be the steady one, the fixer, the provider. It can feel good to be the dependable person, but over-functioning often hides an unmet need to feel chosen without having to earn it.

In CBT, we look at the core belief driving that pattern. Often it feels like, “If I stop doing, I’ll lose connection.” The corrective experience begins when you allow yourself to be supported, to say “I can’t handle this alone,” or to let someone else take the lead.

Ask yourself: When I stop performing, do I still believe I am enough?
If that question feels uncomfortable, you are in the right territory. That discomfort points to where the healing work begins.

Reclaiming Your Attention

Emotional avoidance thrives in distraction. It shows up every time you bury yourself in work, scroll through social media, or chase the next dopamine hit instead of sitting quietly with what is real. From a CBT standpoint, distraction is a form of experiential avoidance. It protects you from difficult or painful emotions but also prevents new learning and growth.

Notice where your attention goes when you feel uneasy or bored. Then bring it back to what actually builds trust in yourself:

• Keeping your commitments, even the small ones.

• Following through on what matters, not just what is urgent.

• Paying attention to your body before it has to raise its voice.

• Honoring your own word with the same respect you give others.

Each time you redirect your focus, you are retraining your mind to associate safety with presence rather than avoidance.

Staying With Yourself

Healing from emotional avoidance or neglect does not mean blaming your past. It means recognizing how it continues to shape the present and choosing to live differently now. CBT provides a framework for this: identify the pattern, challenge the thought, and practice new behavior until it becomes familiar.

You might begin by asking yourself:
Where am I still abandoning myself, and what would it look like to stay this time?

The answer to that question is not found in a single insight. It is built through repetition. Each moment you choose awareness over distraction, honesty over pretense, and compassion over self-criticism. That is where real change begins.